Advice for Fair Fights and Solving Relationship Problems
Almost every marriage will have its share of arguments. Some would say that marital arguments and fighting amongst couples is perfectly normal and healthy. According to a contributing author of Focus on the Family, there are important rules that need to be followed if a couple is going to get the most out of their battles.
In a March 2000 issue of Focus on the Family, author Laurie Kethler’s article “Fight Fair”discusses the basic rules that couples must consider when they get involved in heated discussion or argument.
The Basic Rules for Fighting Fair and Solving Relationship Problems
It’s important that when relationship battles start to occur, couples must take the time to look at each other in the eye and tune out all distractions. Kehler tells readers that, “Two people can be in the same room, however, and still be absent. If one person has his nose stuck in the newspaper or glued to the TV, he might as well not be there.”
Likewise, when couples are fighting it’s important that both partners avoid name-calling and attacking the insecurities of their partner. As Kehler explains, “Name-calling is like swearing; it shows you don’t have anything intelligent to say.”
Additionally, according to the Way 2 Hope Organization, the definition of verbal abuse is “any use of language that causes someone harm.”
This definition makes one wonder how often couples and marriage partners verbally abuse each other and don’t realize they are doing it. Learning to take the feelings of a relationship partner into consideration is important all the time. Name-calling, even if it is out of anger, or bringing up and using a partner’s insecurities against them shows a lack of consideration and, more importantly, the lack of love.
Additional Rules for Fighting Fair and Solving Relationship Problems
It’s also important that each relationship partner keep their battles, disagreements, and debates focused on the present. When a partner brings up issues from the past, especially issues which have nothing to do with the current fight or argument, it subconsciously communicates to the other partner that the past hasn’t been forgotten or forgiven.
When a couple understands that forgiveness is essential to maintaining a happy and healthy relationship, they can then understand why it’s so important to not dwell on the past or use the past against their partner.
It’s also important that couples and marriage partners actually finish their battles. To leave fights or arguments unresolved is to create a scenario for a far worse battle in the future. Additionally, in resolving the discussion or fight the air will finally be cleared and marriage partners or couples can move forward with life.
Touch can also be very healing during fights. In fact, touch, in general, is considered extremely important. Carmen Jochmann, in the article “The Benefits of Human Touch,” explains that “Touch is vital to the positive health and development of all human beings, regardless of age. Humans need to touch and be touched, just like they need food and water.” Kehler also explains that when a couple holds hands as they fight, argue, discuss, or debate a topic, they are more willing to be caring and work toward win/win solutions.
After the Fight or Argument
After the fight or argument is finally over it’s suggested by many sources that the couple reconciles by:
- Swallowing pride and apologizing to each other;
- Taking time to do an activity together;
- Reaffirming their love for each other, and;
- Enjoying sexual activity together.
Making up, like touch, has the effect of allowing partners to connect on a very deep level. It reconfirms the bond and beings the process of healing whatever damage may have been caused prior to or during the fight, debate, or argument.
Summary of the Rules of Fighting Fair and Solving Relationship Problems
By facing marriage and relationship partners head-on and not avoiding issues, a couple is capable of arguing in a way that helps promote growth within their relationship. During the most intense moments of an argument or fight, it’s important that couples hold their tongues and avoid bringing up past problems or attacking their partner’s insecurities. During and after arguments, fights, and battles it’s important that the couple make time to re-connect. The art of reconnecting after a battle confirms the issue has been resolved.
Though the tips presented here are great for couples already involved in a healthy relationship, they aren’t meant to solve problems that are occurring in an abusive relationship. Readers may also wish to learn more about domestic abuse.